+who am I and why am I here?

Mantis Hill is an alias. My name is Laura. Mantis Hill is the name my husband Dale and I gave to the beautiful land we found in 2002 and have lived on since 2003. Mantises are an omen, oracular and can help you find your way home. The first year we were here there were more mantises than you could count. Hence the name.

Dale and I met in 1998 in Death Valley on a zen backpacking trip. At t;he time I was still in New York and he was in Santa Rosa California. We both had a zen practice with a teacher based at a zendo in the Foothills of Northern California and found ourselves on this backpacking trip at a time when both of our marriages were ending. The spark between us was undeniable and 2 months later I moved from New York to California. Our first year together was a bit up and down because we were both coming out of difficult marriages. But after a year we began living together and got married in 2003 -- the same year we moved to "Mantis Hill."

It was about as idyllic as could be. We are both poets/writers. We shared a zen practice. We loved being in the mountains. We are (were?) the same age. We both cherished books and were able to build a library. For many years we had a camp at Burning Man (before it turned into a huge expensive gathering). After we met Dale wrote 8 more books. I wrote more poetry. It was a beautiful dance we did. We had wonderful energy together. Well that energy still exists. I carry it now for both of us.

In 2014 Dale was diagnosed with liver cancer from having lived for many years with HepC (undiagnosed). Not all that unheard of for folks in our age group who grew up in the 60s. 2014 we traveled back and forth from the Foothills to UCSF each month for treatments. Dale was on the transplant list but his doc didn't think he could keep him alive long enough for him to get to the top of the list. Dale reached out to our community and a live donor appeared and volunteered half of his liver to save Dale's life. The transplant was in March 2015. It was a success and we all breathed once again. The next two years were full of the extra kind of joy you share when you realize how more than lucky you are. However on the Ides of March in 2017 a CT scan showed that the liver cancer had metastasized to his spine.

The wonderful docs at UCSF did everything they could -- radiation, surgery, chemo, more radiation but by the end of 2017 it was clear that they could no longer forestall the inevitable. Dale went on Hospice in December 2017 and passed on January 13, 2018.

Yes -- it will be 3 years next week.

I wandered around in a fog of grief for 2 solid years. I took myself into isolation because I didn't know what to say to anyone and no one knew what to say to me. At some point I found Megan's book and reading it allowed me to begin to attend weekly grief groups at our local Hospice. But I still kept to myself.

A year ago on the second anniversary of Dale's passing (sorry I still cannot use what I call "the d word") I went to a week long intuitive painting retreat. I spent a week with a very supportive group of women and made plans to return to the world. Then Covid struck us all. It was as if the universe was telling me it was too soon for me to rejoin the world. So here we are a full year later and I have been pretty much isolated now for 3 years. Yes, I live alone. I never had children. Dale has a daughter and so I have a step-daughter -- and a granddaughter born 2 weeks after Dale's liver transplant -- but we are not close.

So here I am on this amazingly beautiful 12 acres in the Foothills enjoying the rocks and the trees and the pond and so much nature. Dale is still very much with me. But I knew I had to do something to mark this 3rd anniversary and help me carry this grief which quite honestly is still overwhelming and paralyzing even at the 3 year mark.

I am attaching a photo of the two of us at Burning Man in 2007 that a friend took because of the rainbow.

Apologies -- I am not skilled at FB and so the picture is not in the comments because I am not sure how to do that. And I also apologize for going on so long -- that's the writer/storyteller in me.

promise

Dear Ones,

I am going to start posting small pieces from by book (project? manuscript?) a few times a week.

Reactions are welcome.

l

PS 87 Redux

re·dux

rēˈdəks,ˈrēˈdəks/

adjective

adjective: redux

brought back; revived.

 

Just about one month ago the phone rang in the middle of the afternoon and Dale answered it.  After listening intently to someone he smiled and handed the phone over to me saying "It's your friend from Elementary School -- Helen Epstein."

 

What?  How?  

 

I took the phone and it was as if 57 years evaporated in the space of 57 seconds.  

 

Helen didn't miss a beat telling me how difficult it had been to track me down.  Well, yes.  I've traveled under the radar for most of my life.  I've changed my name not once but twice.  And, of course, they were still looking for me using my maiden name.  That's all they had.

 

Somehow they found me.

 

Helen told me about the Reunion planned for May 7th back in  Manhattan.  I gracefully declined.  She asked if I would prepare a "Timeline" -- you know, a summary of my life since 6th grade.

Actually the timing of this request was interesting.  Some of my friends might call it synchronicity.  Others might just say "Hey Laura, the universe is trying to tell you something."  

I'm just encouraged.  After all that's gone on over the past 2+ years, life here is beginning to settle.  We are no longer making frequent trips to San Francisco.  Life has changed from being about illness to being about wellness.

Last December I had dusted off that manuscript I put away in 2013 with plans to return to it once again.  Here was a chance to write a very brief summary, now called a Timeline, and use that as a segue back into the larger work.

 

I  wrote the Timeline and it has been sent to my former classmates, along with a few others, to give them an idea of how they might address the past 57 years.  I've heard back from a few of the people I knew back then.  Wonderful, heartwarming notes (to which I have yet to respond but am ever so grateful to have received).

 

And I am limping back into my own manuscript.  With its ghosts. And revelations.  

 

The world is looking both much wider and narrower right now.

 

Thank you dear PS 87 friends for doing all that you did to find me.  I know it wasn't an easy task.  But I am filled with gratitude that you kept on looking for this woman who values her seclusion and shuns most forms of social media.

 

Voices from the past pointing me towards the future.

 

 

 

3 months and still healing

Hi All,

This Friday, June 12th, will be 3 months since Dale's transplant. 

Healing continues, albeit too slowly to suit Dale.  Which leads me to wonder "Does anyone ever think they heal fast enough?"

There have been no major setbacks, but the road to full health is a bit rocky and it just takes time for the liver to regrow (we are told by the docs that it should be almost full size by now).  Stamina is still a major issue.  Dale was planning to teach at the International Herb Symposium which starts this weekend but had to withdraw.  He's just not at 100% yet.

Meanwhile, Dale's donor, the generous and selfless Matt T., also continues to recover.  His recovery has had its share of ups and downs.  Since Matt's a "working man" he has lost 3 months from work and is also not quite 100% so hasn't returned to the work force yet.  Major abdominal surgery is a big hit to the system, even when you're healthy.

Dale has set up a "Donor's Fund" to help Matt through this period.  If you feel moved to contribute to this fund, you can make a donation through PayPal sending money to amulet@botanikos.com.  Or you can send a check made out to Dale Pendell and marked "Donor's Fund" in the bottom left corner.  If you prefer to use the traditional method and send a check -- it can be mailed to Dale at PO Box 1423, Penn Valley CA 95946.

I hope that this finds everyone of you in good health and enjoying the turn towards summer.

Blessings and love to all,
laura

Elevated Liver Enzymes and a visit with Scarlett

Hi All,

A week ago Dale's blood tests came back with elevated liver enzymes which indicate some inflammation.  So after an ultrasound to determine that all was well structurally they scheduled Dale for a liver biopsy.  They did the biopsy this past Monday (4/13) which required an overnight stay at the hospital.

We were just told this afternoon that the pathology report showed "non specific inflammation" which means that there is no clear cut explanation for the elevated enzymes.  The plan is continue to get blood tests twice a week and monitor the situation which the docs think will resolve itself on its own.

The upside of yet another trip to San Francisco is that we visited with Scarlett and her parents on Sunday.  Here's a picture of Dale and Scarlett:

She is quite the sweetie and very beautiful.  (But maybe all grandparents say that....)

Blessings to all............

So far, so good (again)

Hard to believe that it's been 3 weeks since Dale's transplant.  Well, technically 3 weeks plus one day.

He was still in the ICU 3 weeks ago.  Now he is here and there is daily improvement.  There is still a lot of healing ahead but all is going well.  The numbers from the twice weekly blood tests show that his new liver is functioning normally.

I am grateful to women in my Book Group as well as folks from our sangha who are helping with food and bringing us meals to eat.  It makes a huge difference.

We are on this new path and the journey continues.  So far, so good seems to be my mantra at the moment.

Thanks to all of you out there who continue to send healing energy this way.  It definitely is making a difference.

Not much to report

Dear Ones,

Nothing earth-shaking to report especially compared to all that's gone on over the past 2 weeks.  Today is the 2 week anniversary of Dale's liver transplant. 

I must admit I look forward to the 2 month anniversary and even more to the 2 year anniversary.

Don't be alarmed if I don't post daily after today.  It only means there isn't very much to write about and make the jump that healing continues.

Also, for those who have gotten used to texting us while we were in San Francisco, may I remind you that here at Mantis Hill the smart phones are pretty dumb.  Texts seem to come in better than they go out.  So please consider the old fashioned email way of communicating.  Or the even older telephone.

Sweet dreams!

laura